What I have been doing and what I am thinking

First, I apologize to my blog for not having the time to write on it. I’m having a hard time creating time (sounds redundant, I know) for this because I have just been busy with errands and taking care or watching over my nieces from time to time. Ho hum. So anyway, every Sunday I drive my mom or sister to a mall near us. I only started driving this month after 3 years of driving lessons so I’m really really careful and scared to death (well not really). Being a novice driver, whenever I leave the car on the parking lot I can’t seem to take my mind off the fact that I brought a car with me and the HUGE responsibility that comes with it. I can’t enjoy doing grocery because in the back of my mind, I have a car with me, might get stolen. I’m sure it will pass someday when I’m used to it. But I hate the feeling!

Last night I read and finished The Giver by Lois Lowry. I have been dying to read this 10 years ago and now I was just grateful I have my own copy! So I enjoyed reading, and related to being the “Receiver of Memory” because I tend to remember everything (except academic knowledge). I tend to remember emotions, places, positions, people’s facial expressions, things like that. But I’m having trouble remembering my lessons though! hahahahaha So I finished by 2AM, and was disappointed with the ending, or probably I thought it would be longer or something.

Since I wanted to change and get the positive more into my life, I decided to cut out the negative thoughts and feelings and wondered if I was starting to be like Jonas’s community in the book. I have strong emotions that most of the times I get dysfunctional because of them. I know there’s a quote that says something like “don’t let your emotions control you”.. but for me, the emotions and realizations are so strong, I am like The Giver when he feels the pain… I brace myself. But that was before. I’m trying now to not feel the pain most of the times but last night, I remembered.

I have questions. From the start I know I was doing this for myself. And now I’m starting to doubt whether I’m doing this so that people would like me more. Men would get interested because they absolutely don’t like damaged, crazy people. So, maybe I’m doing this really for myself but I’m hoping, really HOPING someone would love my crazy, damaged side too. *sigh*

On a lighter note, here are my Instagram photos! 🙂

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